The 6 Issues People-Pleasers Bring Up The Most In Therapy

You’ve probably heard a friend or family member utter the phrase “I’m a people-pleaser.” Maybe you identify as one yourself. Or you’ve likely seen posts about it on social media.

People-pleasing “doesn’t just start at adulthood,” said Manahil Riaz, a psychotherapist in Houston and the owner of Riaz Counseling. “There is some sort of a link to family culture in childhood.”

This could mean that children were loved or praised only when doing things for others, Riaz said. Alternatively, it could be based on the modeling that they saw from adults in childhood, or even trauma that created people-pleasing behaviors, explained Natalie Moore, a licensed marriage and family therapist in California.

As a people-pleaser grows up, they feel “responsible for the happiness of others… and while they’re feeling responsible for other people’s happiness, they tend to neglect themselves,” Riaz said. “It’s extremely difficult to be a people-pleaser.”

Additionally, people-pleasing is an embedded behavior, Moore said. Stopping it isn’t as easy as just saying no to extra work or a dinner party invitation. Instead, people-pleasing is the repeated pattern of putting others’ moods, emotions or needs above your own, which can eventually lead to self-neglect.

In fact, therapists say there are specific issues that people-pleasers commonly work through in therapy. Here’s what they are, and how to deal if they sound familiar:

1. Trouble Setting Boundaries

According to Meghan Watson, the founder and clinical director of Bloom Psychology & Wellness in Toronto, boundaries are a big topic that comes up in therapy sessions with people-pleasers.

“If they are at a place where they’re aware that oftentimes they are more attuned to other people at their own