The 3 Things You Should Never Do During An Argument, According To A Therapist

Finding the words to express that you feel hurt or wronged can be really challenging — even for the best communicators among us. Arguments happen — and they should happen, according to experts. Arguing fairly and effectively can actually help you feel happier and safer, and bring intimacy and depth to all types of relationships.

There are definitely better and worse ways to argue, and certain phrases or behaviors can make an ordinarily chill conversation spiral into emotional upheaval.

That’s why we — Raj Punjabi and Noah Michelson, the hosts of HuffPost’s “Am I Doing It Wrong?” podcast ― tapped Adriana Alejandre, a trauma therapist, to find out what these triggers often are and how to avoid them at all costs.

Listen to the full episode by pressing play:

Of course, we found that both of us had either experienced them or inflicted them on others.

We explored what respectful conflict resolution looks like and zeroed in on three “tactics” that Alejandre strongly suggests we remove from our arguing arsenals.

Using Broad Statements To Describe A Specific Issue

In the therapy space, Alejandre says, these types of generalizations (think “You always do this” or “you never do that”) are called cognitive distortions or cognitive patterns.

“There’s catastrophizing, there’s minimizing, there’s ‘all-or-nothing’ thinking,” she said. “I don’t think all of these cognitive patterns are helpful, because when you minimize somebody else … you are just bringing along other problems that are unrelated to the problem that you started off with.”

Having The Argument When You Are The Most Heated

“Don’t bring something up when you are in full upset,” Alejandre said. “I think that there has to be some individual defusing that you do