During A Night Of Hazing, I Confessed A Dark Secret To My Pledge Brothers. It Changed Everything.

On a cold, stormy September night in 2018, my 14 fraternity pledge brothers and I received this ambiguous text from one of our pledge masters:

“Tonight’s education meeting is canceled. At 11pm, you will all load into three of your cars and drive to the destination I send you. Bring a first aid kit, five jugs of water, three shovels, and a triangular-shaped candle. Dress in all black.”

My mind raced with questions. What could this mean?

An hour later, my palms choked the steering wheel of my Ford pickup truck as I drove from our fraternity house at the University of Southern California toward an unnamed address in Manhattan Beach. In the car with me were four of my pledge brothers.

“It’s got to be beach-related,” said a brother from the back seat, his voice barely audible over the rain pounding on my windshield.

“Maybe it’s a house party,” another suggested.

“It’s definitely not a house party,” the one in the passenger seat countered. “We’re getting hazed tonight, boys!”

A knot of anxiety tightened in my stomach. This moment, shrouded in uncertainty, mirrored the complex feelings I’d been wrestling with since joining the fraternity three weeks earlier. As the fraternity’s first-ever openly gay member, each new challenge not only tested my resilience but also brought into sharp focus my ongoing struggle for acceptance and community.

When I signed up to rush, I was seeking the real college experience, complete with large backyard parties and drunken antics with friends. Growing up, I idolized shows like “Blue Mountain State” and movies like “Animal House,” which inspired my fantasies about Greek life.

My desire to join a fraternity was also driven by a longing I had always felt to be included in the “boys’ club.” During