You May Be In A 'Tolyamorous’ Relationship Without Ever Having Discussed It

By now, you’ve likely heard of polyamory — the interest in or practice of engaging in more than one romantic relationship at a time with the consent of all parties — that has captured the cultural conversation of late. But you may not be familiar with the term “tolyamory,” a different relationship structure that is prevalent but seldom spoken about.

Tolyamory is a term coined by sex and relationship columnist and podcaster Dan Savage. It’s a portmanteau, combining the words tolerate and polyamory, and refers to a relationship dynamic in which one or both partners puts up with — or tolerates — the other’s outside sexual or romantic contact. Unlike polyamory and other forms of consensual non-monogamy, it’s not something the couple has explicitly discussed and agreed to.

Savage introduced the word in aJanuary episode of his podcast “Savage Lovecast:”

Marie Thouin, a relationship researcher, coach and author of the forthcoming book “What Is Compersion?” summed up tolyamory this way:

“Tolyamory is a relationship style where one or both members of a socially monogamous couple turn a blind eye to the sex their partner is having — or has had — with someone else, in order to maintain the relationship,” she told HuffPost via email. “One or both of them are tolerating, or putting up with, their partner’s non-monogamous behavior, but not openly endorsing it.”

And though we don’t have any solid data on the prevalence of tolyamorous relationships, Thouin said she believes they are likely “very common.”

“Think of famous couples like Hillary and Bill Clinton, where infidelity was exposed — yet they remained together as a ‘socially monogamous couple,’ rather than either breaking up or going ‘full poly’ and openly embracing other