Trump’s New Hampshire ‘victory speech’ made it obvious he’s scared

It’s not the rematch America needed, but it’s the rematch America deserved. After Trump’s historic win in the New Hampshire primary last night, it’s looking pretty much certain that the two geriatric men who battled it out in 2020 will now do so again in 2024. These political action figures in their “NOW EVEN OLDER” configuration will both likely run on platforms about bringing back the past, which is of course their strong suit. For anyone whose memories of 2020 are fuzzy because of trauma, here’s your chance to relive one small part of it all over again (pandemic sold separately.)

You’d think that Trump would be happy about this situation. Yet somehow, the man with a problem for every solution was not. In a meandering address not long after the numbers made it clear he’d dominated, he mainly focused on Nikki Haley’s loss. It wasn’t a victory speech; it was a vintage Trumpian “look at the loser” speech.

In it, the former president described how Haley apparently thought she’d won in Iowa, much to Florida Governor DeSantis’ and his chagrin, then had “run up to the stage dressed all nice” earlier in the night in New Hampshire, too. He then underlined multiple times that she had not won. Even the cheers from his supporters started to weaken as he said it again and again. “This is not your typical victory speech but let’s not let someone take a victory when she had a very bad night,” he concluded. His face was stony. Later, he darkly suggested that there might be “investigations” into Haley if she didn’t drop out.

At least he didn’t call her Birdbrain. So far, that’s how he’s referred to Haley in public — an uninspired nickname that the New York Post lamented showed he was losing his touch (the Post also dislikes Trump’s