‘Toxic Forgiveness’ Is Damaging Your Relationships. Here’s How To Tell If You’re Doing It.

You’ve probably heard phrases like “toxic person” and “toxic positivity,” but what about “toxic forgiveness”? While you won’t find the phrase in a textbook, you’ll probably be able to relate to the concept.

“My understanding of it is that it’s really describing a pressured or superficial forgiveness,” said Emily West, a licensed mental health counselor at Self Space Therapy in Seattle. West added that it can happen when someone feels an internal or external pressure to rush to pardon someone else without taking the time to process their own feelings.

The adage “forgive and forget” sums up this notion well. And certain kinds of people may be more likely to deal with toxic forgiveness than others.

“I think it describes what… a lot of people who identify as people-pleasers experience in that people who are afraid or feel anxious around conflict will feel short-term relief when they forgive quickly,” said Rachel Wolff, a licensed psychotherapist in Philadelphia. “But then this can result in emotional suppression and resentment for the forgiver, which then can create more social disconnection in the relationship.”

This kind of forgiveness has a toxic quality because “it’s not a forgiveness that is genuine because it hasn’t been given the proper time and attention to be genuine,” West added.

As a result, toxic forgiveness can create pain, resentment and unsafe relationships. People who fall into toxic forgiveness behaviors have a “natural instinct to repair any sort of rupture in the relationship or the situation as quickly as possible,” Wolff said. This comes from a desire to feel like everything is fine.

“But then this can have a longer lasting impact because it often bypasses the emotional healing process,” Wolff explained.