The Old ‘Gender Rules’ For Sleepovers Are Outdated. Here's What Parents Are Doing Now.

When I was growing up, there was one rule guiding all sleepovers, and that was the gender one. If you were going to have other kids stay over in a sleeping bag on the floor of your bedroom, it was either girls or boys only. No mixing it up, no shades of gray.

The purpose of this rule was, presumably, to prevent kids from waking up in the middle of the night and spontaneously having sex with each other. That 8-year-olds don’t really do this was beside the point. Sex was very, very dangerous, and we had to be protected at all costs, even when the reasoning was completely nonsensical.

Then there was the fact that once puberty hit, some of us started getting romantic with same-sex partners… but secret sleepover action was one of the (few) perks of being a queer kid in the ’90s. No adult would imagine, let alone acknowledge, this reality.

Today, thankfully, we have gotten over the idea that sex is something that only happens between a man and woman. Parents no longer assume so easily that their kids will be straight, or that their gender identity will align with the sex they were assigned at birth. Most families also seem to have let go of the idea that young children might engage in sexual activity if left in a bedroom together overnight.

For many parents, the sleepover gender rule — or at least the assumption that it holds — is gone. But has it been replaced by a new set of guidelines? Or are sleepovers another area where every family now follows the beat of their own drum?

“There are different factors that influence how families handle sleepovers, including cultural backgrounds, comfort levels, personal beliefs, and the specific needs of their children,” Ana Maria Ramos, a community health educator for Planned Parenthood