Just Before My Mom Died, She Said 6 Words That Changed My Life — And Made Me A Better Mother

“Your granddaughter needs to go to a hospital in Nashville for her depression,” I told my 95-year-old mother. “She’ll be away a few months.”

My mother sat in her easy chair in stony silence. After my father died at age 83, Mom moved to a retirement facility near us in Asheville, North Carolina. My glance around her tiny assisted-living home room landed on the bookshelf where she’d arranged photos of her seven grandchildren, including my daughter — all of them smiling for the camera. Her perfect family.

“You mean she won’t be home for Christmas?” she asked.

“I’m afraid not. But the doctors think this is best.”

“You’re making a mistake,” she told me.

I couldn’t bring myself to explain. Mom never asked for details, and I was relieved not to talk with her about it again. I knew she wouldn’t understand that my lovely 19-year-old daughter — the grandchild she adored and got such a kick out of — had been addicted to heroin in college and was now struggling to recover her life in rehab.

I desperately wanted to turn to my mother for support but didn’t trust that I would get it. Mom was raised to believe a woman’s role was to be the glue for her family. “Keep your figure to keep your husband,” she’d tell me. “And always stay in control of your children.” She was already upset that I had a job while raising my children, rather than following her lead as a stay-at-home mother. It seemed I was always doing something wrong in her eyes, so I assumed she would blame me for my daughter’s misery. To skirt around her criticism, my visits with Mom became shorter and more task-oriented.

Women have long been pressured to create good families by being perfect mothers. They’re often shamed for doing too much or too little for their kids. To