I Received An Anonymous Text. With Just 8 Words, It Brought Back The Shame I Thought I'd Buried.

It’s break time during my weeklong psychodrama retreat, where 11 (mostly) strangers from all over the country are gathered in a mansion underneath the northern lights of Fairbanks, Alaska, reenacting and healing our complex traumas.

I feel seen, understood and accepted in this container we created to keep us resourced, regulated, connected and safe as we confront some of our deepest, darkest memories. In between sessions, I sneak a peek at my work phone and immediately wish I hadn’t because reading an anonymous eight-word text message immediately undoes all of that.

“You look very Asian with your single eyelids.”

I don’t recognize the number. My heart sinks all the way down to my feet. Instantly, I feel the same survival responses as if my life were in danger: freeze, fight, flee or fawn. I am a target. I’m othered. I don’t belong. They don’t want me here. I am unwelcome. I’m not safe. Immediately, I remember the embarrassment I felt every time a kid at school made jokes about my eyes.

“Can you even see?”

“Do Asians see in wide-screen?”

I think of all the times people have made the slanty eye gesture to me. I think of all the times I’ve had to laugh it off or sit there frozen and silent.

The words alone may seem innocuous, but they trigger years of traumatic memories buried deep within my nervous system. I block them and put my phone away, but all it took was this one random text message from a complete stranger to send me back in time to when I felt ugly and defective.

Why are my eyes like this? It’s not fair.

I take a breath, stand back up, regain my composure, and walk back down the stairs and rejoin this group that, minutes ago, represented safety and connection. Now, my body is full of fear and anger