I'm Ending My Life Today. Here's What I Want You To Know Before I Go.

I am ending my life at a clinic in Switzerland today. This piece was written three weeks ago. I’ve been trapped for decades in a body that doesn’t function the way other bodies do and I am ready to finally be free.

I have severe multiple chemical sensitivities, also known as MCS or environmental illness, which means my body reacts to the world around me in deeply painful, incredibly draining ways. Not only do perfumes and colognes cause unbearable respiratory, neurological and skin reactions, but so do most detergents, fabric softeners, shampoos, deodorants, lotions, sunscreens, smoke, household cleaners, and many other substances.

I’ve been dealing with MCS for 40 years. It was mild in the beginning, but it’s continued to escalate to the point where I’m now sensitive to almost everything. I can’t take medicines — not even something as common as ibuprofen or Tylenol — without a reaction, so pain management is very difficult for me.

I also have fibromyalgia, which is another illness that many people know nothing about, and many others don’t even believe it really exists. It does and it’s debilitating. I can barely use my hands, and my muscles are weak. I experience pain at night, and it’s very difficult for me to sleep.

My issue with my muscles has also been going on for almost 40 years. I used to be very active. I loved playing sports like tennis when I was younger. All of a sudden, in my early 20s, I couldn’t hold the racket anymore. I’d try to hit the ball and I couldn’t.

Because of both of these conditions, I have been unable to leave my home or lead anything close to resembling a “normal” life. I can’t even hug people anymore. That hurts so much because I’m a hugger. I love expressing my love and I can’t. I’m not