I Knew Something Was Terribly Wrong Each Time I Fed My Baby. I Was Stunned When I Discovered What It Was.

1. I have been able to laugh and see the funny side of things.

2. I have looked forward with enjoyment to things.

These are the statements I am supposed to mark with a number, from 0-3, to indicate their frequency. My eyes scan the list, and I click my pen anxiously as I decide what to do.

3. I have blamed myself unnecessarily when things went wrong.

4. I have been anxious or worried for no good reason.

I am glad they are asking these questions, glad that someone has acknowledged the emotional turmoil that comes with giving birth. But the statements listed don’t match what I am feeling. I am experiencing symptoms that aren’t on this questionnaire. And that scares me.

The Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale is a screening tool each new mother in America is supposed to receive around six weeks after giving birth. While it can be a helpful resource for indicating the ever-common postpartum anxiety and depression, I soon learned that other physiological symptoms can impact new motherhood — symptoms I had never heard of before and that are left largely unscreened. So, on this day, six weeks after giving birth to my daughter, I write nothing on the questionnaire and turn it in.

I am aware of the roller coaster of hormones that accompany the postpartum period, but I don’t anticipate them. My pregnancy is uneventful. No mood swings or medical concerns. My daughter is born on a sunny morning in late August with a cool breeze blowing through the window at the community hospital. Exhausted with tear-streaked faces, my husband and I gaze lovingly at this marvelous being we have created. She was later than her due date (firstborns often are) but came out tiny and shrieking, a firecracker in our peaceful little world.

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