The 1 Word Therapists Say You Need To Stop Using With Yourself

If you’ve ever uttered sentences like “I should really spend some time cleaning,” “I should just get over this already” or “I should work on my presentation,” you may be “shoulding” yourself, according to therapists.

“Shoulding yourself is a cognitive distortion, and… so many of us often engage in it,” said Carrie Howard, a licensed clinical social worker and anxiety coach who is based in Texas but provides services to clients worldwide.

“I shouldn’t eat that cake” and “I should have responded differently in the situation” are two examples of this, said Howard, noting that it can also involve words like “must,” “ought to” and “have to.”

“It’s basically a sort of automatic thought or statement that you might use on yourself that creates this sense of obligation that hasn’t been mindfully or rationally weighed out by factual information,” she said.

Though there are certainly things that you should do, not every task or action needs to fall into this category. These kinds of “should” statements can add a sense of obligation or shame to the equation, Howard noted.

This is often damaging, since feelings of guilt can immobilize people or lead to procrastination instead of healthy action, she added. Think about it: Have you ever told yourself that you should finish a work project when you don’t feel like it, only to pick up your phone and scroll through social media instead? This can create a cycle of feeling bad about yourself.

What’s more, shoulding yourself can be a sign that you’re disconnected from your likes and dislikes, according to Meghan Watson, the founder and clinical director of Bloom Psychology & Wellness in Toronto.

“There are elements that are rooted in uncertainty, there are elements that are rooted in